I Have to Say

I Have to Say

Part of me dims with pain,

Becomes the stinging flies…

Part looks into your light

And lives to tell you so.

                                                James Merrill

                                                “Last Words”

For Becky B.

I haven’t seen enough

                of autumn—I haven’t I can’t be

                                                content

               

                with a drive by drove through

                                                on my way to

some stop quick slip it all in and make it

               

                                home

                                               

                                                to supper at dusk a dusk under

                the and over the

                                                tree I walk beneath I haven’t seen

                                enough see this girl I knew once she

                                                                came though sometimes

                                                sober

                                sometimes (k) not she’s not

now plain and simple she’s not and won’t ever be

                                again

and I wonder if I hope so she saw

                                on that rainy day before

                she

                                dropped

dead

                if she thought

                                                                yellow

                                look

                                                yellow I love yellow

                                it’s raining it’s been raining all the way back

from Phoenix I’m about to scream see

                                this shits real it’s dope it’s lit look

                I haven’t seen it since I got out

                                I’m clean I’m stayin’ clean

                                                baby don’t not in front of me

                               

                                                                                                don’t I know listen don’t

                I said I won’t no no

                                                                   I'm supposed

                                                                           to stay

                                                        sober

                                                ok                                           ok

                                                                just this one more once one more

                                                                                last time

what whah’d you say too late

                               

                                see all that yellow

                                                                that’s deep that yellow see it the sun shining

                fuck it’s shining in the rain

I haven't seen enough

I've already seen 

                                      (this is number fifteen second one this year)

             enough